A huge helping of anguish with a side dish of turmoil

Broken strings

I am a Puppet without strings,

pay me with your time and for you i shall laugh and dance and sing.

I was your humblest servant and you were my noble King...

I still remember, very long ago, how you held me tenderly in your arms and whispered to me how you loved me so

but little did i know, like the seasons, your love is cursed to come and go.

till one day you gave me away to slave on a puppet masters show

I bid adieu to any little mercy's i once knew

For now i had been fitted with strings,

my freedom had been clipped along with my wings.

What a thrilling ride this life has been

but destiny must not favor me so

To be so cruel as to deliver me

From the kind hands of my noble King, to those of the puppet master

who reigns over

all evil things

Now my body is broken.    

i was a wooden puppet smashed to pieces and put back together again.

See how they make me dance so gracefully and pretty for their hearts delight?

If you look hard enough, you can almost make out the strings that animate me, glinting when they catch the light.

Not a day of rest for this little wooden performer, whose pirouettes are so adored.

Every night a full house, Every night a show to do, to prance, to skip to dance for you.

Of all the simple things i cannot keep, i am master of none, not even the sweet sanctuary of sleep.

for it is i who is the puppet, who's vow of tortured silence i must forever keep.

But if these glass eyes learned how to weep, i could cry you a mighty river who's currents run so cold and so deep.

I know this wood once had a life, but if my heart could surely beat, it would be a broken mess of shambles, lying dead at your feet.

Home

dusk, the sky a pinched pink and amber intertwining twilight. there is a slight chill to the air but burst of warmth eminate from peeking rays of sunlight. from behind, the gloriously bright waking sun chases me as i make my way on foot to the old town shrine. the road has been blocked for the occasion and traffic diverted. the gentle morning breeze makes my dress billow as my feet hurry in stride. a quarter past four in the morning and the town and its locals, not to mention a handful of random foreigners are up and about for the occasion. i arive at my destination delighted at the sea of people that have showed up for such a simple practice of sport.

only a few years ago, i would not think to call this dusty, old fassioned place my home. but now i take every opportunity to gloat about what a beautiful place i am honored to live in. my home, all its people, the rural, provincial feel of it, everything my senses are allowed to take in makes a smile play in the corners of my mouth. i'm glad upon hearing birds chirping, cocks crowing, dogs barking, and locals chatting in their dialect (which surprisingly for others, i can understand as well as speak). over friendly locals bid me good morning as i pass them by. more often than not, they are amused to see a tall, pale skinned, light haired girl walking the streets among them.

I love to walk. for me, walking is a method of apreciation. how else can you realy feel the vibe, the aura of a place if not to walk through it. it was how the nomads traveled before man became lazy and wanted to save more time traveling. it was also a good form of excersize. when transportational vehicles came, man grew fat and lost stamina as well became impatient, and the trecherous results of that is the smog, traffic and noise polution that the invention contributed to the world. but still, ah the glory of walking...

i cant realy put a peg on the actual emotion coursing through me. i feel it from my chest, the epicenter of it, to my fingers and toes. Awe, sublime, exitement, happiness, gratitude, love. either one of which, or a combination of all. i am overflowing with gratitude to God. thankful to have been given the chance to live amongst good hearted and friendly people, to walk amongst a comunity i adore, to practice my God given crafts with the likes of both students and proffessionals, and to connect daily with deviating minds of people from far corners of the world.

this is what i feel towards that which i now can call home. after two years here, learning, working, having fun, bonding, falling down then getting up and dusting myself off, hurting, loving, and last but not least growing inside and out, i know i now belong. not just here where i now live, but from now on everywhere. you can make any place into a home, but what realy makes a place are its people. as they say, home is where the heart is. we just have to keep in mind that we have to keep our hearts with us wherever we go because using them makes both ourselves and others happy. we are made to love. and i love my home...

dating tips...old stuff i wrote

ok, dating criteria!!!alright ill give a few rules so there will be more to go on unlike fumblin in the dark without a flashlight because thats what dating is like and most of you(unlike people who havent dated wich is kinda absurd nicole!) know that! all the dating faux pa has been committed by people that try to wing things and enter without caution and preparation. "oh soph, you’re too uptight. half the fun of dating is not knowing what to expect…" im not trying to take the fun out of dating. but is it ever fun to get hurt? it realy turns out a trial and error kind of thing, that unless you learn from previous mistakes, will end up making this supposedly fun and exiting journey, end up being long, tiresome and overdone.1. find a partner that you like and vice versa(make sure they express the fact they are interested in you enough and dont mistake friendliness for interest to date because that could be disasterous!)2. find an activity you like and vice versa(having somthing you both like to do or an interest in common is good starting ground to work on. you will have something to keep both of you busy; may it be watching movies, walks in the park/wilderness, going out for dinner or to the beach… )3. talk, talk, talk(based on experience i can vouch that communication is the best means to find out if you’re meant to be or not. i can say i base my TRUE and LONG LASTING relationships on an open constant flow of conversation and even debate. if you are both interested in each other, especially intelectualy, you should have a lot to talk about and may never get tired of it. personaly i have to feel like i can trust and confide in my partner, and they as well in return. if it is any other way, it seems pointless to continue such a relationship that, unless that is what you both are looking to find, is a relationship revolving around more of the physical or sexual aspects.)4. matching morals and standards(dont you think its kinda silly if you dont believe in the same things? im not talking religion wise, because its too deep a topic to divulge at this point and im not going down that road, at least for now. what im getting at is actually beliefs and morals. you will get it if you are in the situation where you have a never ending, "no-one is going to win this one" Argument that will end up breaking you guys up. better to be friends than lovers if you cant handle that)5. set your expectations(i know that you want to meet new and different people but the safer you are the better. you wouldnt wanna date someone who makes you uncomfortable or worse could end up killing you. get a list down. ‘i wont date people who’; ‘i would like to date someone who.’ FOR EXAMPLE: DO: Will date someone who loves cats/doesnt like fish/has a job and stable income/doesnt drink or smoke. DONTS: Wont date someone who isnt christian/ is over 26/lives way too far/has been married/does drugs. once you set your standards it isnt a sealed deal or final. you may bend a bit acording to how much is acceptable in your own book. thats the fun of it. you may even have a change of heart and find you wana date someone who doesnt like cats for example)6. find your comfort zone(ok, i will go a little bit into the department of sex wich i know is something you all know i love to speculate about in a rather nymphomanic sense. wether you be a virgin, not into it at the moment, or have a very healthy sexualy active status, at a certain point in the lifespan of you and the person you are dating, you should put all your cards on the table. vocalize your intentions so that you both know if you are on the same page. it is ok to tell your partner that you do not want to think about being sexualy active at the moment. in that way, you know you will both be comfortable. if your partner leaves for those reasons then it only means you know they arent made to match you. there will always be another person who understands your terms and will accept them. on the other hand if your partner expresses their intentions you in return must respect their wishes. its all about compromise.)

an old poem i found

POETRY FIRST AS SWEET RELEASE
I wanted to fit myself into a box. a tiny box. but as time passed, that box grew a little. it changed color and grew some more. i grew along with it, but only enough to fill its space. then i, with my tears of pain and longing, saw through a tiny hole the destiny within. i saw God calling out to me. beconing me. "young child, come out. it is much nicer out here. it is cooler and softer. the winds will blow your ruffled hair upright once more and cheer your spirits. you can grow some more out here. come out my beautiful child." and so i streatched my arms that have gotten so long since i couldnt remember. i streatched my long legs that have become so strong that i remembered how it was to run again. i uncurled my arched back and the box blew away. i was surrounded with color, much more than the box could offer. and my vision that was once limited was vast and clear, seing only truth. a glowing fire sparked inside me and i was warmed. this is love. "this is love father." i turned to my right "this is love father" i turned to my left. "this is love!" i threw my arms up to the blue heavens and made myself heard.
i yearn to go beyond anyone's standards! i want to go beyond my own! to reach the stars and burn there in sweet glory. i am only human. with flaw and fault. with weakness and streangth. i am a sinner but i purge myself naked in front of god pleading with him to save my damned soul. and in result, sweet poetry flows out of me like the natural springs. i am human again indeed. natural in all my truth and ways. no heavy jewels bearing me down. no clothes to limit my flow of movement. and best of all, no malice. for malice coaxes guilt, and guilt coaxes sin. sin coaxes the devil and he is the usher into damnation. i do not want a saved seat.
i wish to fly. but since i am no bird that is capable of soaring high in the alabaster skies, i will jump my highest. i cannot avoid my destiny, being a proud Greek. i will pace myself then jump my very highest as to reach the Gods. as to reach greatness. to fill tho mouthes of people with my name. to be written in books and carved in stone. to be immortalized. to be loved.
no man can love then leave....
a man that inspires change is one trully worth changing for--sophia castaneda
therefore i need to change first before i begin to inspire you my love...we shall talk about this

vices. (inspired)

Smoke curls in ribbons, flowing from my mouth
drink pours down my longing throat
poison flows through my blood

soothing me,
intoxicating me,
liberating me,

of all the vices that have their hold on me,
of all the vices that i drown myself in,
of all the vices that i long for,

only one will always remain, etched with a dull blade on the tissue of my heart.
both giving me extasy and agony, you are my most fatal vice of all...

you have your hold on me...
i drown myself in you...
and i will long for you forever, my bitter sweet vice...

Numb. a poem for a lost friend, gagan...

Cleansing them from the blood tht has been spilled, my hands are rubbed raw as i wash them.
i wash them till some of my own blood breaks the surface; a small sacrifice of pain to repay past sins committed. i hold them under water that first runs hot and then cold.
till i am numb and no longer feel the stinging agony.

i am released, liberated, cut loose from my binds...
but there are still shallow marks around my wrists;
scars and cuts reminding me, like roads on a mad, and my hands are my life that i have lived.
proof of the work i have done, joy tat i have felt, loving touches and caresses...

i bleed no more for i am numb.
as i turn the faucet off and the last drops of life spill down the drain,
i am saddened as i hope, wish and wonder when i will ever feel again...

a response poem for "a blank verse" by gagan.

are you mad!

a question that slips out my mouth involontarily: "are you mad?!"

when i dont understand something simple, it means i refuse to. to understand means to acnowlege the pain, and to do that would be fatal to my heart and mind.therefore i respond to the person with those three words. "are you mad?!"

when i want something that isnt yet mine, i push the want away, but then lose the battle and allow myself the want i denied in the first place.but if there is even a glimmer of hope, i turn my head in sheer disbelief. "are you mad?!" i cry to hide the truth.

when i cant explain myself, i know you have won and i have fallen into a bottomless pitt with you. the sad part is, i know you will be able to lift yourself out of it and i will be left drowning in the bile of my misery. until another you reaches their hand in help, only to intend to push me back in again. a vicious cycle carves a path of my own demise and leaves behind the shambles of a repeatedly shattered heart, that sooner than later will retire into dust and blow away with the winds of time and death.i guess im mad as well. so be it. if it is written, it shall be done.